Not to compare my recent struggle to a totally awesome Paula Abdul song, but it seems I start making a little progress then have some sort of set back. I know getting better isn’t going to be an easy thing but it can be hard to keep my chin up when I think I’m moving forward only to wake the next day feeling like I’m back in the darkness.
Despite the hard moments, I have had some really positive experiences recently including a trip to the beach with my family, an event at Elly’s school, and a trip to one of my favorite shabby chic consignment shops. It was not easy for me to do these things which I know to the ‘normal’ person makes zero sense at all. I actually made Jamie turn the car around at one point on the way to school and once we arrived at the beach I didn’t think I’d be able to get out of the car. But I followed through with both activities and actually had panic attack free fun.
When we arrived at the beach I wanted to push myself even though my instinct was to retreat home back to my bed, my haven. Dang I love that bed right now, I could write a whole post about that. I told Jamie I was just going to head down the walkway a bit, but then I kept going, all the way to the ocean. The perfect ocean. I wanted to keep walking straight out, and kind of live there for a while, but I was carrying my cell phone so life in an octopus’ garden will have to wait. Ever patient and understanding Jamie saw I was doing well then joined me with the kids. Elly and Miles played together for the first time at the beach in a little pool Jamie dug for them by the surf. It was a precious moment and I’m so glad I was able to enjoy it.
Waking another recent morning I felt like I was back to how I was feeling a week or so ago, just plain bad. Anxious, depressed, frustrated. I didn’t think there would be any way I’d be attending the end of the year cookout at Elly’s school but the day got better and I made it there by the skin of my teeth. Elly loves a good party and of course didn’t want to leave. She ran into her best friend Matthew. His parents said some mornings when Matthew doesn’t want to go to school, they mention that he will get to see Elly and that makes him want to go. Hearing that made the tremendous effort to be there more than worth it.
I’m continuing to see my doctors, I continue to have a wonderful support system of family and friends, and I continue to have an amazing husband and kids. All of those things are going to help me through this but I know it’s mostly up to me to heal myself and I’m trying, I really am, so bed, stop trying to lure me back to you! I recently referred to what I experienced about a month ago as a mental breakdown and the person I was talking to said actually, it was a mental awakening. I like that.