Search for Inner Peace

I feel like our blog paints a picture of a seemingly as close to perfect family as there can be. And in many ways I do think my sweet family is perfection. I love being a mother and wife and think my kids and husband are the bees knees. But just like anyone else, we have our typical struggles…toddler tantrums, baby not sleeping through the night, husband and wife being too tired to make as much time for each other as we should, etc. But through all that, I’ve never doubted the love we feel for each other and I know that life seems to ebb and flow, sometimes throwing trials at you and other times letting things flow as smooth as can be.

Well, we are currently dealing with one of those difficult times. I say we because I know it’s affecting my whole family. I’ve always been predisposed to things like this, but right now I am having a serious battle with anxiety and depression, a double whammy. I knew it was coming on, I could tell things were getting worse, but I thought I could control it or at least continue plugging along, managing it myself.  I’ve never experienced it to this extent and it’s a scary thing to face. In typical Mommy fashion I feel incredibly guilty for what it’s doing to my babies, husband included. I know I need to focus on getting myself better but focusing on myself hasn’t been my steeze since my first name became Mommy.

I wish I could see into the future and know that I will come out of this and be totally fine, I think that would take away some of my worry, but right now in the thick of things it feels never ending. I wake each day wondering what’s in store and how I’m going to manage getting myself through the day. I’m giving as much as I’m capable of giving to my family right now, but it’s a struggle.   

I miss being able to do the things I enjoy like going out to eat, taking the kids to playdates, going shopping, spending time at the beach, picking Elly up from school…everything has become too difficult for me right now and that makes me sad. I have to hope this is temporary, I have to.

I use this blog to write about the things that are happening in our life and this is what we are currently dealing with. Not to say there haven’t been bright spots in the midst of it all and I will continue to try to post about those things as well. I appreciate the support of the family and friends who’ve known how much I’ve been struggling. I also feel for others out there who are going through or have been through this, it’s the pits. I think the fact that mental health issues feel so taboo to talk openly about make it all that much harder to go through, which is one of the things that motivated me to make this post. It’s exhausting trying to pretend that everything is fine. I don’t really pray a lot, but lately I find myself praying for inner peace. I hope I find it soon.