School’s Out May 29, 2011

Elly had her last day of school recently, it’s hard to believe a whole school year has gone by. I vividly remember waddling tearfully down the hallway to drop her off on the first day. She didn’t hesitate to join in the fun on that day and every school day since then she was eager to go. She loved playing, having snack, doing art projects and most of all hanging with her bestie Matthew.

As we were walking up to get Elly on her last day I was able to zoom in and capture this moment with her teacher. Melts my heart to see someone else showing Elly such love.

Our girl is going to miss her teachers, and I think they’ll be missing her too. Happy summer!

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back May 27, 2011

Not to compare my recent struggle to a totally awesome Paula Abdul song, but it seems I start making a little progress then have some sort of set back. I know getting better isn’t going to be an easy thing but it can be hard to keep my chin up when I think I’m moving forward only to wake the next day feeling like I’m back in the darkness.

Despite the hard moments, I have had some really positive experiences recently including a trip to the beach with my family, an event at Elly’s school, and a trip to one of my favorite shabby chic consignment shops. It was not easy for me to do these things which I know to the ‘normal’ person makes zero sense at all. I actually made Jamie turn the car around at one point on the way to school and once we arrived at the beach I didn’t think I’d be able to get out of the car. But I followed through with both activities and actually had panic attack free fun.

When we arrived at the beach I wanted to push myself even though my instinct was to retreat home back to my bed, my haven. Dang I love that bed right now, I could write a whole post about that. I told Jamie I was just going to head down the walkway a bit, but then I kept going, all the way to the ocean. The perfect ocean. I wanted to keep walking straight out, and kind of live there for a while, but I was carrying my cell phone so life in an octopus’ garden will have to wait.  Ever patient and understanding Jamie saw I was doing well then joined me with the kids. Elly and Miles played together for the first time at the beach in a little pool Jamie dug for them by the surf. It was a precious moment and I’m so glad I was able to enjoy it.  

Waking another recent morning I felt like I was back to how I was feeling a week or so ago, just plain bad. Anxious, depressed, frustrated. I didn’t think there would be any way I’d be attending the end of the year cookout at Elly’s school but the day got better and I made it there by the skin of my teeth. Elly loves a good party and of course didn’t want to leave. She ran into her best friend Matthew. His parents said some mornings when Matthew doesn’t want to go to school, they mention that he will get to see Elly and that makes him want to go. Hearing that made the tremendous effort to be there more than worth it.

I’m continuing to see my doctors, I continue to have a wonderful support system of family and friends, and I continue to have an amazing husband and kids. All of those things are going to help me through this but I know it’s mostly up to me to heal myself and I’m trying, I really am, so bed, stop trying to lure me back to you! I recently referred to what I experienced about a month ago as a mental breakdown and the person I was talking to said actually, it was a mental awakening. I like that.

Seven Month Sweetie May 25, 2011

On May 12th Miles turned seven months old. This is a fabulous age with all the ‘talking’, smiling, laughing and snuggling that’s going on. He’s also hit the milestone of sleeping through the night! We love our good baby boy (I would have said that even if you weren’t sleeping all night yet Miles)!

By the way, when Mommy is in the middle of a mental meltdown, she doesn’t really feel like baking much, or really doing much in general, hence the cupcakes courtesy of Melissa & Doug.

Search for Inner Peace May 17, 2011

I feel like our blog paints a picture of a seemingly as close to perfect family as there can be. And in many ways I do think my sweet family is perfection. I love being a mother and wife and think my kids and husband are the bees knees. But just like anyone else, we have our typical struggles…toddler tantrums, baby not sleeping through the night, husband and wife being too tired to make as much time for each other as we should, etc. But through all that, I’ve never doubted the love we feel for each other and I know that life seems to ebb and flow, sometimes throwing trials at you and other times letting things flow as smooth as can be.

Well, we are currently dealing with one of those difficult times. I say we because I know it’s affecting my whole family. I’ve always been predisposed to things like this, but right now I am having a serious battle with anxiety and depression, a double whammy. I knew it was coming on, I could tell things were getting worse, but I thought I could control it or at least continue plugging along, managing it myself.  I’ve never experienced it to this extent and it’s a scary thing to face. In typical Mommy fashion I feel incredibly guilty for what it’s doing to my babies, husband included. I know I need to focus on getting myself better but focusing on myself hasn’t been my steeze since my first name became Mommy.

I wish I could see into the future and know that I will come out of this and be totally fine, I think that would take away some of my worry, but right now in the thick of things it feels never ending. I wake each day wondering what’s in store and how I’m going to manage getting myself through the day. I’m giving as much as I’m capable of giving to my family right now, but it’s a struggle.   

I miss being able to do the things I enjoy like going out to eat, taking the kids to playdates, going shopping, spending time at the beach, picking Elly up from school…everything has become too difficult for me right now and that makes me sad. I have to hope this is temporary, I have to.

I use this blog to write about the things that are happening in our life and this is what we are currently dealing with. Not to say there haven’t been bright spots in the midst of it all and I will continue to try to post about those things as well. I appreciate the support of the family and friends who’ve known how much I’ve been struggling. I also feel for others out there who are going through or have been through this, it’s the pits. I think the fact that mental health issues feel so taboo to talk openly about make it all that much harder to go through, which is one of the things that motivated me to make this post. It’s exhausting trying to pretend that everything is fine. I don’t really pray a lot, but lately I find myself praying for inner peace. I hope I find it soon.

‘Berry’ Good Time May 1, 2011

It’s strawberry picking time! We enjoyed homemade sorbet (for Elly, her dairy allergy is still kickin’ it, even though it has improved) and homemade ice cream for Jamie and I. Naturally we had to fuel up before hitting the fields.

We’ve since had strawberry bread, strawberry muffins, strawberries on waffles, and strawberries straight out of the bucket. It’s almost time to go back for round two! 

First Foods

‘The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout’, gosh I love that song. I wonder why I’m sitting in this contraption that my junk in the trunk always gets stuck in while wearing Elly’s bib. I love my Mommy so much. She’s really smart, oh and cool too.  

What in the world? This looks interesting, and well, I do love putting things in my mouth so I won’t discriminate.

This is aaaaawfullll!!!!!!!!!! How could she? Does she know how much I’m going to have to spend on years of therapy to get over this exact moment?  ‘THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT’ my favorite song won’t even take me to my happy place right now.

 

Deep breath, I’m ok, I’m ok. I could really use some visine and a napkin right about now. What’s everybody staring at?